23.02.20

    I bought an MP3 player. I’ve been thinking a lot about how incremental changes - finding ways you can improve things 1% or 5% can add up to everything being a lot better. My xbox broke this week. I was 15% done with Assassin’s Creed 4 and it’s stuck inside the machine. Playing xbox games has helped me understand how to deal with life better. In the lego jurassic world game every time you unlock a character it gets added to your bank and you can choose what character to become to best suit each new situation, they all have different skills etc. Sometimes I think of that when I deal with some situations by pretending in my head I’m Tim Hunkin. As you progress in Assassin’s creed you slowly improve your character’s skills and ability to cope. You can kill monkeys and make stuff out of their skin, or shoot canons at other ships and steal their rum and sell it to get more harpoons. You can do the same and improve the ship and if you do that (upgrade the strength of the hull or get some heavier canons) the crew all cheer and are really pleased with you and it feels nice. Especially if you’re depressed as it’s hard to speak to your friends so the only people cheering you on are on instagram.

    I’ve been depressed for a few years and it isn’t me so I’m working on it, and I wanted to write about this a bit as I try and get it out of my life, and see what it’s like in a year. I got very bullied by a producer of a show I was working on a little while ago, I don’t want to go into that right now but it kicked me down into a nasty dark well darlin’ and it’s been really hard to climb back up. He wiped his slime all over the sides of that well so I keep slipping down but I’m trying. I didn’t think I would do any writing or art again, but I have, and I’ve been putting it into a new show, called “Nice”.

    But what I was saying was - the way I have incrementally improved my life this week is buying an MP3 player. I sold some paintings so it was suddenly more possible. Since the ipod stopped being a thing that is usable I haven’t been able to listen to music on bike, which is where I listen to music because I cycle 90 minutes a day. And that was at least 2 years ago. I listen to podcasts now, but I prefer music. I try and make my bike dance like I’m a cool Ryan Gosling character. I don’t have loads of data etc and also can’t afford to subscribe to streaming services (being depressed also makes you really poor, I wasn’t expecting that) so I can’t stream music. But I already own loads of the music I like on CDs. Anyway. I bought an MP3 player and it works and it has all my music on now and I listened to 3 albums on the way home and it’s upped my overall percentage. Next upgrade: I will get some big headphones so I can start drawing again in public without feeling self-conscious. Anyone want to buy a watercolour of a nice bum?